


She's the Tear That Hangs Inside My Soul Forever

by footprintsinthesnow



Category: Fruits Basket, Fruits Basket - Takaya Natsuki (Manga)
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Drinking, Drunkenness, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Implied Sexual Content, Pining, Pre-Canon, References to Prostitution, Spoilers, Unhealthy Relationships, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-08
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2020-04-19 18:05:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19137889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/footprintsinthesnow/pseuds/footprintsinthesnow
Summary: Shigure can't stop chasing after the feeling from the dream he had all those years ago.





	She's the Tear That Hangs Inside My Soul Forever

**Author's Note:**

> warning: this fic has some really big spoilers for things that happen in the series, so i wouldn't read this if you are new to fruits basket or haven't read the entire manga!

Shigure often tried to remember what his life had been like before the dream. He had been so young that that part of his life was nothing more than a hazy collection of colors and sounds and feelings. But the dream… the dream brought everything into a beautiful and intense focus. Ever since that day, there was only her. Akito. He spent almost nine months dreaming of her, the Goddess that he would give his entire life to. She was stunning, a vision with her flowing black hair and pale skin and piercing grey eyes. He would reach out to her, and she would take his small hand in her own. She never smiled, only stared at him. She was not warm, but with her he felt a closeness that existed with no one else he had ever met. He wanted to be with her, to stay with her forever. When he woke in the morning and she disappeared, it felt as though his heart had been torn out of his chest.

And then, she was born. Shigure and the other three Zodiac children were summoned by Akira to see her. Their parents were not allowed in, under any circumstances. So, he walked the familiar path to the main house with Hatori and Ayame, while Kureno trailed a few steps behind them. They did not speak. They walked in an uncomfortable and rare silence until they arrived in the nursery. Upon laying eyes on her, they made small noises of awe. He had been alive for four years, but seeing her for the first time made Shigure feel that his life was only now beginning. Still, she was not what he had expected to find. She was merely a baby, a small and sickly thing that wouldn’t stop crying. The sound made his stomach twist and ache in a way he did not understand. “Why is she crying?” he asked. The mother, Ren, looked at him coldly. “He,” she hissed, not answering his question.

“He,” Shigure had repeated, nodding his head, his shaggy black hair falling into his eyes.

\------

“What are you doing?” a quiet voice asked.

Shigure turned around his seat on the steps to see her. Or him, if Ren had her way about it. He rarely ever saw the child. Rumor had it that she was frequently ill. Hatori once said that the five year old had taken after Akira, and that his father often had to spend days curing her fevers and numerous other ailments. But she was there now, staring at him from the top of stairs. Akito. In the morning sun, she looked as though she was made of porcelain – like she might shatter if even the slightest breeze moved through her. 

He smiled at her, and watched as she returned it. “I’m reading,” he answered. “Would you like to sit with me?”

She nodded and toddled down the steps, struggling to not trip over her slightly too large kimono. He took her hand as she got closer and helped her settle in beside him. As she got comfortable and he began reading again, she peered over his arm to look at the book. “What are you reading?” she asked.

“It’s a book of short stories. This one is about a princess and a knight.” She looked up at him with wide eyes, waiting for him to say more. He chuckled and scooted closer to show her the pages. “The princess is lonely, see? She’s got all of these people who love her, but she feels like she’s alone. And then she meets the knight. They fall in love, and suddenly she feels like she isn’t alone anymore. But then a war breaks out and the knight has to go away to battle. He has to fight to save the kingdom so they can finally be together.”

She grabbed his arm eagerly. “Do they get to be together?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “I haven’t finished the story yet.”

“Oh,” she sighed, her lower lip jutting out with disappointment.

Shigure nudged her shoulder. “Hey, why don’t you sit with me and I’ll read the rest of the story to you? Then we can find out what happens together.”

Akito nodded excitedly, rapidly tapping her little feet against the steps. Once she quieted down, Shigure cleared his throat and began reading to her. She watched him intently, holding onto every word that left his mouth. When he noticed her enthusiasm, he started to craft unique voices for each character and smiled as she lit up with delight. He added in hand gestures, sound effects, anything he could think of that would make that joy last as long as possible. As he carried on, he realized he had never felt so much happiness just from another person’s smile. He never wanted to see it leave her face.

“The end,” he said finally, closing the book with a dramatic flourish of his hands and setting it on his lap. “What did you think?”

“It was good,” she said firmly. “I liked when the knight rescued the princess from the evil witch.”

“Me too,” he agreed. “The witch wasn’t very nice to the princess, was she?”

“Uh-uh,” Akito said, shaking her head. “She was mean. But the knight didn’t let her win. I like the knight.”

“Yeah, he was pretty cool.”

He noticed Akito’s tiny features twist up in thought, until she turned to him and asked, “Do you think that I’ll meet a knight someday?”

Shigure raised his eyebrows. “Hmm… maybe. I bet you will. But you’re just a kid, you’ve got to wait a little longer until that happens. The princess had to wait awhile too, right?”

“Yeah, I guess.” She hunched over, folding her arms over her knees and resting her head against them. “But I don’t want to be alone anymore either.”

He cautiously laid his hand against her back, but withdrew when it trembled against his touch. “Hey, you’re not alone, right?” Shigure said, trying to bring some semblance of optimism to his words. “Your father loves you. You’ve got all the Zodiacs. And you’ve got me too. I’m always here.”

“Promise?” she asked quietly, sniffling softly. She rubbed her eyes; they were shiny with tears that had not yet fallen.

“Of course,” he said, taking her hand in his. “Even if everyone else leaves – which they won’t – I’m always here. You’ll never be alone as long as you have me. No matter what happens, I can promise you that.”

\------

It hadn’t been easy to find him, now that he was never around the rest of them. He always used to be wherever Shigure was – Hatori said it was because he looked up to him – but now he had all but disappeared. Akito was good at keeping what she wanted to herself, Shigure had realized.

Finally, on a cloudy spring afternoon, after weeks of visits to the main house, Shigure found him in the garden. He was crouched by some tsubaki flowers, running his fingers delicately across the crimson petals. A petty desire to push him into the plant began to bubble up, but he composed himself hurriedly and walked across the garden in measured steps.

“Kureno,” he said, squaring his shoulders back. The boy – or perhaps man, Kureno was sixteen now, only a year younger than Shigure – stood up suddenly, his plain brown hair flopping down into his anxious eyes.

He blushed and bowed down awkwardly. “Shigure,” he said, his mild voice shaking. “I didn’t expect to see you here. How are you?”

Shigure had always hated Kureno’s relentless need to be polite and proper. It was particularly bothersome today, and he felt that twinge of annoyance start to pick at his brain. Reluctantly, he reminded himself that there were more important matters to discuss, so he shoved the twinge back down to whatever part of his mind it came from.

Letting out a deep breath, he grinned and replied, “I’m well. I was just out for a walk and I happened to notice you here, so I thought I would say hello.”

The corner of Kureno’s thin lips quirked up. “Oh. That was very kind of you.”

“Well, you are family, after all. What kind of cousin would I be if I didn’t acknowledge you?”

Kureno shrugged and laughed in that stiff way he always did. “I don’t know, but I’m glad to see you. It’s been too long.”

“The feeling,” Shigure began, trying to maintain a neutral expression, “is mutual. How are you today?”

“I’m doing well, thank you. Akito is feeling ill this morning, so I thought I would take advantage of the nice weather and come pick some flowers for her.” He paused to point at the blossoms next to him. “The tsubaki flowers are her favorite, I believe. She likes the color.”

“How very kind of you, Kureno,” Shigure said, absently reaching up to brush the leaves of the tree he stood beneath.

“Thank you. I hoped it would be.”

“You certainly do spend a lot of time with Akito nowadays,” Shigure said, an involuntary air of contempt threatening his tone. “She’s lucky to have such a dedicated companion.”

“I suppose,” Kureno answered. “She gets terribly lonely, you know. It makes me happy that I can keep her company.”

“Yes,” Shigure sneered, “she’s really lucky to have you.”

“That’s kind of you to say,” Kureno said, entirely and unsurprisingly oblivious to Shigure’s lack of sincerity. “You ought to stop in to see her today! She’s feeling awful. I’m sure it would cheer her up to see you.”

“Would it? She doesn’t seem to seek out my company much these days.”

Kureno’s eyes shifted to the ground. “I mean,” he said feebly, “I don’t think she intends any offence by it.”

“Is that so?”

“I… I can’t speak for her.”

Shigure waved his hand dismissively. “You can barely speak for yourself Kureno, I don’t expect you to be able to speak for someone else.”

“Did I do something to upset you?” Kureno asked weakly, staring up at Shigure with fear in his brown eyes. “I’m very sorry if I did.”

They held each other’s gaze as a wind swept by, rustling through them. Shigure roughly pushed his hair back with the base of his palm. “Kureno, you never cease to amaze me with your cluelessness. Pick your damn flowers and run back to Akito. Tell her I say hello, or don’t. It doesn’t matter.”

“Wait,” Kureno yelped, rushing forward as Shigure started to walk down the garden path. He caught the hem of Shigure’s sleeve in his fist, startling both of them into stillness. “Shigure, I don’t understand, please tell me what I’ve done?”

“No,” Shigure said, almost inaudibly. “You’ll figure it out, in time. I know you’re slow, but, eventually, even you should be able to understand. Now, do as I told you. Go back to the flowers. You were right, they’re her favorites. They’ll make her smile.” Kureno nodded wordlessly and scuttled back to the garden to begin carefully cutting the flowers from their home in the emerald green leaves. Shigure could imagine the expression that would grace Akito’s face when the flowers were handed to her. It would be the same rare, sweet one that followed the kind words and comfort she used to seek from him. He only wished that he would be the one to see it today. 

\------

Hatori had told them not to come here. He said they’d get in trouble, or get some awful disease. But Shigure had only shrugged him off, saying anything that happened could be taken care of or cured by the family money. In response, Hatori had only given him that tired look he wore much too often for an eighteen year old.

Hatori’s concerns didn’t worry him. It wasn’t his first time here. He’d made a few short ventures into the red-light district before. Never anything substantial, mostly just peeking around. The most he’d ever done was walk into a strip club to watch a show. It was exhilarating, knowing he was doing something he wasn’t supposed to do. And tonight, he planned to take that feeling and amp it up into something even better.

Ayame ended up tagging along with him. Shigure had been surprised to see him so blatantly go against Hatori’s advice, but his eagerness to see this part of town had apparently taken over. Part of him wished that Ayame had listened to Hatori; he worried that Ayame’s presence would dampen the experience, but he couldn’t find it in himself to turn his friend away. Besides, sooner or later, they’d have to go their separate ways. Ayame couldn’t be there for what he planned to do tonight.

“There it is,” Shigure said, pointing ahead to a dark building near the end of the block. It was illuminated only by red neon lights, and Ayame’s jade eyes lit up at the sight.

Inside the building, Shigure guided them to a table near the center of the room. The place was crowded, filled with men and women dressed in nice clothing, drinking and laughing. Every so often, he noticed someone being surreptitiously led by another person into a hidden area that was covered by thick velvety scarlet veils.

Ayame theatrically whipped his coat off and draped it over the back of his chair, before looking down at Shigure. “Is this place a…?” he asked cautiously. Shigure nodded slyly, gesturing for him to sit. Ayame grinned. “Marvelous,” he said, breathless. A woman came to the table to take their drink orders, and promptly returned with a sake and some fruity thing that Ayame had wanted to try.

“So, Gure-san,” Ayame said, taking a sip of the pink monstrosity in front of him, “please do tell me what we’re doing in this fine establishment?”

“We’re going to have some fun,” Shigure said, leaning in. “We don’t get to do very much of that at the estate, do we?”

“Indeed. But,” Ayame said, his brows knitted, “I think you’ve forgotten something important, perhaps a tantalizing little secret we’re not supposed to let out?”

“Aya,” Shigure tutted, “that’s of no concern to me. I’ve done some research.”

Ayame’s grinned devilishly and raised his eyebrows. “You are always so prepared, Gure-san! Now, who will the lucky lady be?”

Shigure scanned the room for a few moments. “That one,” he said, tilting his head to the left. “Over there. The one in black.” They glanced over to the bar, where a thin woman in a black dress was elegantly draped over the counter. Under the lights, her long black hair had a blue sheen and her gray eyes sparkled silver. Every so often, her eyes wandered around the room and she took a bored sip from the wine glass in her pale white hand. She held the glass with a subtly sophisticated air that Shigure found enrapturing. She, he determined, was perfect. 

“She’s absolutely ravishing, Gure-san.”

“Like a goddess,” he said hazily, before snapping himself back into reality and tearing his eyes away from the woman. “And what about you?” Shigure asked as focused back on Ayame. “Surely there must be someone here you’d be interested in. Perhaps that man over there? He’s been looking at you, you know.”

Ayame craned his neck to look, then turned back to Shigure with a frown. “Alas, I didn’t know what our plans were for the evening. I’d never be able to pay him,” he said with a dramatic sigh, staring longingly at a tall man in a finely tailored suit who was standing alone in the corner of the room. 

“Don’t fret, Aya, I’ve brought more than enough. Go talk to him.”

A radiant smile illuminated Ayame’s face. He leapt up, downing the rest of his drink, and excitedly shook Shigure’s shoulder. “You are an angel, my dearest Gure-san. And never fear, I will repay you somehow!” Shigure bid him off with a chuckle, and watched for a moment as Ayame scampered off to accost the man.

“Hey.”

Shigure dragged his eyes away from Ayame and followed a husky voice to find the woman in black standing in front of him. “I saw you looking at me,” she said, “I assume that means you’re interested, right?” Shigure smirked. She was direct. He liked that.

“Yes,” he said, getting up from his chair to place himself on her level. Yet, even in her stilettos, he towered over her. “I am. Are you willing to do something about that?”

“If you’ve got the money,” she replied bluntly, white teeth biting her bright red lips.

“I do,” he said, holding up his wallet and fluttering it in front of her impatient eyes. “But, before I give this to you, I need to make it clear that I have a very specific set of rules for how we do this. I need you to follow each and every one exactly.” An emotion he couldn’t read passed over her face, and disappeared in a split second. She grabbed his hand, long glossy nails digging gently into his skin, and began to lead him to one of the veils he’d noticed earlier. His heart began to beat quickly as he watched her hair bobbing and flowing down her slender back with each step. She was exactly what he had been looking for, someone like the Goddess he’d longed for all these years. All he wanted was to be hers – and as they passed through the veil to the hallway that led to the private rooms, he knew that he would be.

\------

Now twenty-five, Shigure had learned a long time ago that he didn’t handle boredom well; he supposed that was how he ended up here, on a date with Kana’s teacher friend. Mayuko. Dating Mayu seemed like a reasonable thing to do. At the very least, it gave him someone new to talk to. He wasn’t attracted to her in the slightest – and he knew she wasn’t attracted to him either, she was quite clearly head over heels for Hatori, even if she wouldn’t admit it – but she was sharp and funny.

It wasn’t often he got to talk to someone who could so easily match his wits. Although Hatori ran circles around him intellectually, he was far too serious to make jokes or tolerate any sarcasm. Ayame was too… well, Ayame. He was fun, but they shared a different kind of rapport. And while Akito was certainly witty, their visits lately consisted of little more than vicious arguments and the sex that inevitably followed. It was nice to have someone he could talk to like this.

“I’m still a little bit surprised you wanted to go out with me,” she said. “You don’t seem like the type that dates women like me.”

“And what type of women do you expect me to date?” he asked, holding the restaurant door open for her.

“I don’t know,” she replied, stepping out into the cool air. “Bimbos, though I hate using that word. You just look like the type that wants a quick lay so he can get off and move on with his life.”

Shigure scoffed, following her onto the street. “That’s an awfully shallow take. I hoped you’d think more of me after we just spent over an hour talking.”

“I didn’t say you are that kind of guy. I just said you look like it. You’re, you know, hot. And don’t pretend like you don’t know it. I can see you look at yourself in every store window we pass by.”

“Are you trying to lead up to a compliment or an insult?”

She shrugged. “Neither. I’m just making an observation.”

“Well,” he sighed, “then I guess I should say you don’t look like the type of woman that dates men like me.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. You look like the type of woman that dates other women,” he said. Mayuko rolled her eyes and shoved her elbow into his side. “Fuck!” he yelped. “That was a joke. What I was actually going to say is that you look like the type of woman that dates smart men. Men like, say, Hatori.”

Even in the dim street lights, he could see her face reddening. “I’ll admit I do usually date more… refined men. But you’re an attractive guy, and you’re a lot of fun. Let’s just stop questioning each other, alright?”

“Sounds good to me.”

For a few minutes, they walked together without speaking. It was surprisingly quiet for a Friday evening, perhaps because of the cold. In their silence, Shigure could hear the sounds of the distant subway station and the leaves rustling through the trees. It was more peaceful than he was used to. He wondered if he should go for walks more often in the evenings. It would be nice to have moments of quiet like this, and he reasoned that some exercise probably wouldn’t hurt, especially with his penchant for ordering takeout nearly every night.

He was pulled from his train of thought by a gentle touch against the back of his hand. He glanced over to see Mayu had moved closer to him, and was evidently trying to get him to take her hand.

“Do you not want this?” she asked.

Shigure drew in a breath. “No, that’s not what I meant,” he exhaled. “You just took me by surprise, that’s all.” He enveloped her hand in his. It was smooth and soft, and fit surprisingly well in his own. She smiled brightly, more genuinely than anything he’d seen from her over the last few hours.

“Hey,” she lilted, the smile not leaving her face, “listen, I don’t usually do this. But, I’ve had a good time with you tonight. So, if you want, would you come back to my place for coffee?”

“Just coffee?” he said, eyebrow raised in mock suspicion.

She huffed out a small laugh. “Okay, maybe more than coffee. But we’re both grownups here, I think we can handle a little more. So, what do you say? Come back to mine?”

Shigure stopped in his tracks and stood still on the sidewalk. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea, Mayuko.”

She tilted her head. “Why’s that?”

He glanced up at the sky for a moment. “We’ve just gotten to know each other. And even then, we only barely know each other. I think it would be a good idea if we took things a little slower.”

“Huh,” she said, chuckling faintly, “I wouldn’t have expected you to be the kind of guy to turn down some easy sex.”

“I can be surprising, that’s for sure,” he replied.

“Yeah, I guess you can be. Would you mind walking me home, at least? The streets around my apartment can be a little questionable at night.”

“No problem,” he said, offering his hand. She took it, though the smile from before was long gone. They settled into an uneasy silence, and together made their way down the empty streets.

\------

Akito pressed herself heavily on top of him, hungrily catching his lips in hers. He gripped the soft skin of her waist tightly, moving his hips up into her own. His breath hitched at the friction and he grinned wildly as she desperately clawed her nails into his chest. “Fuck me harder,” she begged, her voice no more than a breathy whisper in his ear. He complied for her, as he always did when they were like this. He lifted her and flipped her over onto the mattress, pinning her small wrists down and thrusting fast and rough – the way that he knew would make her beg him for more.

He hoped Kureno was somewhere close by, somewhere he could hear Akito moaning like this. The thought excited him in a way he hadn’t expected – he squeezed her wrists tighter and suddenly stopped his movements to look her in the eyes. “Do you let him fuck you like this?” he snarled. “Do you let him make you feel the way I do?”

She just barely shook her head.

“I want an answer,” he murmured.

“No,” she said, breathless, “I don’t. Don’t want him the way I want you.” Then, her expression darkened as she lifted her legs to squeeze around his hips. “Does that teacher make you feel as good as I do?” Shigure’s eyes narrowed and she snorted derisively. “I didn’t think so. Now, fuck me, or I’ll have Kureno come in here to see if he’d like to finish the job instead.”

On her command he moved again, moaning at the warmth and pressure of her around him. When he was with her here, he was taken aback by how much she looked like a woman. All at once, it brought out both the softest and most primal feelings he possessed. It was a heavenly rush, and he never wanted it to end. Yet, it always did – and today it ended with an uneven stutter of his hips and the muscles in his body momentarily going taut.

He released his grip on her wrists and gazed at her with heavily-lidded eyes. Her skin was glistening with sweat and her mouth was parted in a blissful grin. As he reached to brush his fingers against her cheek, she bolted up and pressed her hand against his head. “You finished,” she panted, “now it’s my turn.” She pushed his head down the length of her body, pausing only to let him lay wet kisses against her bare skin, until his face was between her legs. “You know what to do,” she said, more firmly now.

He smiled; he certainly did, and he did it gladly.

Akito fell asleep shortly after. She mumbled something he couldn’t discern, and curled up into his chest beneath the blankets. He craned his neck to press a kiss into her matted hair, and pulled her tighter against his body. Her body relaxed into his, and a swell of satisfaction swirled in his gut. She’d pull away from him in the morning, and tell him to leave just like she always did. What they had now was fleeting, but it was good. For just a few hours, he could pretend that they had something soft and gentle and kind between them. Something that made it feel almost as though everything was perfect - almost as though she loved him. 

\------

Something about seeing Hatori like this made him nervous. In the crisp white sheets of the hospital bed, he looked strangely small and frail. It was a stark contrast to the stiffness and composure with which he normally carried his tall frame. From where he sat, he was staring straight forward. One blue eye was focused intensely on the white wall ahead; the other, the one closest to Shigure, was unfocused with its pupil blown wide, a gaping black hole in the center of a field of cut and bruised skin. As moments passed and Hatori failed to acknowledge him, he was struck with the uncomfortable realization that his friend could not see him standing at the door.

He let out a soft breath and knocked quietly on the doorframe. Hatori jumped and his head jolted in Shigure’s direction. “Oh,” he exclaimed, “you startled me. I hadn’t heard you come in.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” he murmured, scratching the back of his head. “What are you doing here? I wasn’t expecting you.”

“I thought I’d drop in for a surprise visit,” Shigure said, mustering a smile that he hoped looked natural. “I thought you might be getting lonely, cooped up in here all by yourself.”

“It’s not too bad. Though I do wish I could have a cigarette. I understand the need for the no-smoking rule here, but not being able to smoke is making me anxious.”

“Well, you’ve been wanting to quit, right? You said being a doctor with a smoking habit made you a bad example for your patients. Maybe this will help you get there faster.”

“I don’t particularly care if I’m a bad example or not now. I don’t even know when I’ll be able to practice again, not when I can barely see what’s in front of me. I just want a cigarette. I don’t need eyes to smoke.”

“I’m sorry, Haa-san.”

“It’s fine. I’m just tired, that’s all. These pain medications are making me feel terrible.”

“Do you want me to leave? If you need to rest, I can always come back later.”

Hatori shook his head. “No, you came all the way here. You can pull up a chair, if you like. Just… on the right side of the bed, please.” Wordlessly, Shigure picked up a rickety blue chair from the corner of the room and carried it to the other side of the bed. He noticed the slight trace of a smile on Hatori’s lips when he had presumably reentered the man’s line of vision.

“So,” Shigure said lightly, “it must be interesting being the patient for once, huh?”

Hatori laughed. “It certainly is a change of pace. I can’t say I like it, though. I’m learning that I’m a bit of a… I think you’d call it a control freak? When the doctors try to do something differently than I would, I have to stop myself from correcting them.”

“You didn’t know you were a control freak until now?”

“I don’t think you’re one to criticize me, Shigure.”

Shigure huffed. “Now, no need to get snippy, Haa-san. I’m just kidding around. Besides, we need you to be a control freak. It helps the rest of us stay on top of everything.” He felt a gentle warmth in his chest at the faint flush of color that bloomed on Hatori’s cheeks at his words.

“Shigure,” Hatori said, as the color faded from his face. His voice was low now, which Shigure knew signaled that he wanted to shift to a more serious conversation. “I need to ask you… has Mayuko said anything about Kana?”

“Not much,” Shigure replied, rubbing his neck awkwardly, “other than that Kana’s upset. But that’s to be expected. Mayu doesn’t know what actually happened though, so she’s a little confused about why Kana’s blaming herself for what was apparently a freak accident.”

Hatori sighed. “So, she still blames herself.”

“Apparently, the poor girl.”

“When she visited me the other day,” Hatori said, measuring his words as if to stop his voice from wavering, “she couldn’t stop crying. She just kept sobbing and apologizing, even though I told her she wasn’t at fault. It was… she became hysterical. The nurses made her leave. They were afraid the event would be too stressful for me, as if the past few days hadn’t been infinitely worse.” He paused then, huffing out a bitter laugh. “Anyway, she hasn’t come back since.”

“She hasn’t even called?” Shigure asked. After a moment of silence, Hatori closed his eyes. Hesitantly, Shigure leaned forward and brushed his hand against Hatori’s arm. “What are you going to do when you see her again?”

“We’ll handle the situation like adults,” Hatori said. “I’ll apologize for what I’ve put her through, and we’ll discuss what happened. I want her to know that none of this is her fault. I need her to know that. I need her to know that we’ll make it through this.”

“Do you…” Shigure trailed off, meeting Hatori’s suddenly cold gaze.

“Do I, what?”

“Do you really think you’ll make it through this? With Kana?”

“Of course. We can’t get married anymore, but we can figure out an arrangement that will work for us.”

“Listen, Hatori. I just… I don’t think you’re thinking rationally right now. I don’t want to see you get your hopes up for something that realistically can’t happen. Akito won’t allow this to go on much longer, and you know that.”

That same bitter laugh from before escaped Hatori’s lips. “I really should have known better than to think you might support me, Shigure.”

“What does that mean?” he asked, a nervous chuckle involuntarily bubbling up from his throat.

“I try to stay out of your business,” Hatori said, picking at the bedsheets. “Actually, I don’t try to find out anything at all. I don’t particularly want to know what you get up to behind closed doors. But that doesn’t mean I don’t hear things. You seem to forget that I have to spend a lot of time at the main house, dealing with Akito and Ren and the maids. I see them almost every day, and I have for a long time now.”

Shigure swallowed, only to find that his mouth was dry. The sensation made his throat scratch and he held back a cough.

“It’s not often that I see you at a loss for words,” Hatori deadpanned. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to use what I know against you. I’m not that type of person. I’m not like you are. I don’t understand people like you.”

“I’m sorry?”

“I don’t understand how you can love someone like her.”

“We all love her, Hatori,” Shigure countered, “that’s the curse. We stand by her no matter how much we might hate it.”

“That’s the thing, Shigure. You don’t hate it. And we don’t love her the way you do.”

“If you know as much as you say, you know that’s not entirely true.”

“No, you’re wrong,” Hatori said easily, “not even he loves her the way you do. He might be devoted to her, and he might be her companion, but he’s different. His love is different. I think it has limits, unlike yours. It doesn’t matter how many people she hurts, even if that person is you. You might get angry at her, and you might try to hit her where it hurts too. But you’ll keep going back to her. You’re like an addict. You’ll keep chasing that high no matter what happens. You want to love her. You need it, in the same way you need air.”

“And? You said yourself you don’t plan to use any of this information against me. So why are we talking about this?”

“Because I feel hurt, Shigure. I know I don’t talk about my feelings very often, but to say that this incident hasn’t caused me a great deal of pain would be a lie. Akito might be the one that struck me, but you’re the one who continues to stand by her. As someone who considers you to be my closest friend, it’s difficult for me to understand.”

Shigure rested his forehead against the back of his hand, shutting his eyes. “It shouldn’t be difficult at all,” he said.

“Why?”

“It’s simple. Because you love Kana. You would do anything to stay with her. And I love Akito the same way.”

“If Kana had hurt you the way Akito hurt me, I wouldn’t be able to love her the same as I did before,” Hatori said, a subtle growl surfacing in each word.

“I know,” Shigure groaned. “Hatori, you’re a better man than me. You always have been, and I truly admire you for it. But I can’t change the way I feel, not about this.”

“I think you should leave.”

“What?” Shigure asked, sitting up straight.

“I need some space right now,” Hatori said, tapping his thumb against the back of his other hand. “If you want to do something for me, you can go ask Mayuko how Kana’s doing and call me to let me know what she said. I’m worried about her.”

“Hatori…”

“Before you start getting dramatic, I’m not… disowning you. You’re still a part of my life. It might be stupid of me, but I don’t think I could get rid of you even if I wanted to. However, you must know that things aren’t the same anymore. And the fact remains that you’ve hurt me. So, right now, I’m asking for you to leave.”

“Alright,” Shigure said, standing up and pushing the chair back to where he’d found it. “I’ll call you later, after I’ve spoken to Mayu.”

“Thank you.”

“Haa-san? Take care of yourself, okay?”

Hatori didn’t answer. He had fixed his eyes on the wall ahead. He could no longer see Shigure, and he didn’t want to – not now. After taking one last look back, Shigure went out the door and shakily walked through the pristine hospital halls, frantically searching his pockets to find his phone so he could call Mayuko.

\------

“Why do you waste your time on my son?” Ren asked, staring out the window. With her long dark hair and black dress, the light coming in made her look like nothing more than a shadow. In a way, she was mesmerizing. Shigure didn’t like her much, but he felt drawn to her. Sometimes, he thought that Ren was what Akito would look like if she wasn’t forced to dress-down and play Ren’s game every single day.

“Listen,” Ren said, taking a drag on her cigarette before turning to face him, “don’t you know what he’s doing when you’re not around?”

Shigure bowed his head. “Sulking, I suppose. He’s sad a lot.”

Ren laughed. It was a horrible noise, like nails running across a chalkboard, and it made him cringe. “You wish that’s all he was doing. His little pet, the rooster boy, they’re awfully close, you know. Very, very close. You might even call them intimate.” His breath caught in his throat. “Poor boy,” Ren giggled to herself. “You really thought my son loved you? Ever since his father died, that creature doesn’t love anyone except himself.”

“I –” Shigure croaked weakly. “I… you’re lying to me.”

“Why would I do that?” she inquired, her face void of any human emotion.

“Because you don’t like Akito. You’ve never liked him. You’re just jealous because your husband stopped loving you the second he was born,” Shigure spat, hoping his words would hit her hard enough to end this.

But she only kept staring at him with the perpetually icy expression that made him feel so much younger than his twenty-six years. “I never thought of you as the stupid one, you know. I always thought you were one of the smartest of his little toys. Love really can turn anyone into an idiot, I see. How unfortunate. You know,” she said, crushing her cigarette into the ashtray on the table, “anyone in this house could tell you that I’m being honest. They go to sleep in the same room at night. Sometimes, if you walk by his room, you can hear them together. It’s disgusting.”

Ren grabbed Shigure’s hand, unfurling the fist he hadn’t realized he’s been making. As his fingers loosened, he noticed the crescent moons that had been dug into his palm. She smirked at him. “Might want to let go of some of that rage,” she crooned, “or you’ll end up hurting yourself. Tell you what. If you ever want to, say, get revenge on my son, come see me.” Her face was close to his now, and her voice no more than a purr. He froze as her hands moved down his body, stopping just below his hip. A bead of sweat rolled down his temple; he shivered as he felt Ren’s tongue move along his skin to lick it up. “I can guarantee that nothing in the world would upset him more than this.”

Shigure’s lips tightened and he nodded rapidly. “Yeah,” he whispered. “Yeah. I’ll… I’ll think about it.” Then, abruptly, he yanked his hands away and turned to run out of the room, too afraid to look at the expression on the woman’s face.

\------

A few months and one cruel decision later, Shigure moved out of the Sohma estate. Two weeks after settling into his new house, he could still see the way her eyes had widened with rage. It was what he’d wanted. He’d made a point of her seeing him – hiding his night with Ren had never been the plan. When he arrived at the main house that day, he’d ensured that Akito saw him talking to Ren, getting just a little too close for her comfort. When they’d finally retreated to Ren’s room together, discretion was completely out the window. They were hungry, animalistic in their movements. He handled her as brutally as he knew how, made her scream out in filthy ecstasy under his touch.

He needed Akito to hear this, he needed her to know every single thing that was happening in that room. He’d half-expected her to burst in and stop them, to fly into a rage at the sight of him thrusting wildly into her mother from behind. But she hadn’t. Instead, she stayed alone in her room, silently seething. When he walked by the next morning to say goodbye, kimono loose and the stench of sex still clinging to his skin, he took sick pleasure in her fury.

She’d screamed, clawed violently at his skin. He winced when she struck him, and willfully ignored the blood that began to drip from the wounds. Suddenly he grabbed her and held her against the wall. She bared her teeth and spit in his face, and roared when he only laughed at her. “You have no power over me,” he’d said, grinning madly as her body writhed. “Any game you play, I can play better. Just watch me,” She wrenched herself out his grip, and with final cry of agony slapped him across the face. The burning sensation sent a rush of adrenaline down his spine.

“Get out,” she heaved, struggling to catch her breath. “Leave. You’re not allowed to live here anymore. You’re not wanted. You’ll go to the property in the woods above the city – alone. Pack your things. I want you out by tomorrow night.”

Shigure took a step back from Akito. “Fine,” he said, savoring the way the word made the anger fall from her face. In its stead, the word left nothing but wide eyes, confused and pleading. “I’ll go pack,” Her mouth shook violently as she failed to find words. He took another step back and waved to her. “Goodbye, Akito.”

\------

A month later, Shigure found himself in a bar that smelled like stale beer and sweat; from the bathroom, there was the faint scent of vomit emanating from the toilets. It was all a bit nasty, but he liked it here – even if he knew he shouldn’t be here at all right now. Yuki was home alone, and the kid was prone to panic attacks at night for some reason that he couldn’t understand. Yuki had even begged him not to leave, which had surprised him; most of the time the boy looked like he wanted to run as far from Shigure as he possibly could. But Shigure had said he needed to attend an important meeting with his publisher, so Yuki had folded and retreated up the stairs to his bedroom.

He knew he should feel more regret. Although, maybe the lack of remorse wasn’t too surprising, seeing that he’d downed two beers already and was starting in on his third. Alcohol was good at dulling bad feelings, he’d found. Still, he knew deep down that, even if he was totally sober, he wouldn’t feel even an ounce of guilt about abandoning Yuki. Truth be told, he didn’t care that much about the boy. Letting him move in was nothing more than a favor to Hatsuharu, and, more importantly, another way to piss Akito off. Perhaps he’d happen to grow fond of the boy eventually, but he didn’t particularly care either way.

Brushing his hair out of his eyes, he took a long sip of his beer and licked his lips. He could forget about all of that Yuki stuff right now, there were more urgent things to attend to.

“Shigure,” Seki, his writer friend and drinking buddy slurred, his beer sloshing out of its glass as he waved his hands, “that girl over there’s been looking at you all night.”

Shigure shifted his eyes across the room, landing on a woman with pink lips and a tight dress that barely contained her breasts. She looked to be in university, based on the people she was with. As he met her gaze, she fluttered her long lashes. Shigure bit back a laugh – she was attractive, sure, but… she was silly. Perhaps the sex would be good, but he didn’t particularly feel like getting mixed up with an airhead like that tonight. Besides, he was too drunk to make sure the situation didn’t go awry.

Shigure scoffed and shook his head at Seki. “Don’t want her. But maybe I can convince her to give you a try, since you seem so interested in her.”

Seki reddened and sloppily sipped his beer. “N-no, I… I’m just trying to help you out, is all.”

Beside Seki, their friend Okabe reached across the table to nudge Shigure’s shoulder. “What’s wrong with you, man? You’re hot enough for her, why don’t you go have some fun?”

“Eh, don’t feel like it.”

“Are you crazy?” Seki whispered dramatically. “Just look at her! She’s fucking gorgeous, are you an idiot, or… wait, are you gay? We don’t care if you are, ya know.”

“Only on occasion,” Shigure muttered, taking another swig of his beer.

“So…?” Seki asked, mouth curled into a confused frown.

“No. I’m not gay.”

Okabe nudged him again. “Then stop being a dumbass, go get her.”

Shigure raised an eyebrow. “Why do you care so much?”

Seki and Okabe glanced at each other. “Because as far as we can tell, you haven’t been laid… ever. You never talk about anyone. You celibate or something?”

“How do you know I don’t have anyone?”

“Well,” Okabe shrugged, “do you?”

“Not technically,” Shigure hummed.

“What the fuck does that mean?” Seki laughed.

“It means,” Shigure mused, absentmindedly swirling his drink, “that I could have someone, but she’s a little preoccupied right now. She’s got things that she thinks are more important than I am.” Much to his relief, Seki and Okabe traded a bewildered expression and went back to their drinks.

An hour later, Shigure flung his coat over his shoulder and stumbled out of the bar. He shivered a little as the frigid air hit him, but he had sweat so much in there that he didn’t want to wear another layer. He hailed a cab and gave them directions before slumping back into the seat and shutting his eyes. There was a dull ache growing behind his eyes, but it didn’t matter. He could handle the pain, he thought as he let himself fall into a light sleep.

“Sir,” a gruff voice said. “Sir, we’re here. You dozed off there. You’ve gotta get out of the cab now.” Shigure stretched his arms, dug into his wallet to find cash to pay the fare, and lifted himself out of the vehicle with a groan. As he walked through the gates and shuffled down the path to the main house, snow began to fall. It was light, but the drunken blur in his eyes made the flurry seem much heavier.

As he burst through the door, a maid questioned why he was there so late; ignoring her protests, he handed her his coat and waved her away as he took his shoes off. He was too tired to deal with any of them tonight, and he didn’t care if they were upset by his arrival. He had things to take care of. He might not have wanted the girl at the bar, but there was someone he did want. He’d leave if she told him to. He would never hurt her like that. But he would try to have her tonight – even if it meant kicking Kureno out of the room.

Outside of her door, he took a deep breath. He slicked his hair back and knocked loudly. A moment passed – there was no answer. “Akito,” he called, “Akito are you there?” His words blurred together to the point of being incomprehensible, but he kept calling out to her. He needed her to answer, he couldn’t leave until he’d at least seen her. All he needed was a moment by her side, something to get him through the night. “Akito, please,” he begged. “Please open the door.”

He reached out to knock again before a hand settled onto his shoulder. He whipped around to find Kureno, who cautiously pulled his hand away and opened his mouth. “Shigure, you should know, she’s not there.”

“Well, where is she?”

Kureno twisted his fingers together. “She was brought to Hatori’s office. She was running a very high fever. He asked for her to be brought there because it would be easier to care for her if he had access to all of his supplies.”

“Oh,” Shigure said. The ache in his head was shifting to something sharper. “Do you know when she’ll be back?” He frowned as Kureno shook his head.

“You should get home, Shigure. You don’t look well. Let me call you a cab.”

“No,” Shigure hissed, “I can do it myself.” With a sigh, he paced back and forth in the hall as Kureno watched, mumbling profanities under his breath. He wished Kureno would leave - the idiot just kept on staring at him, following each step with those stupidly pleading eyes of his. Why would he want to be here anyway, Shigure wondered, talking to a pathetic drunk when he could be with her instead? Why was he not by her side now? Why was he wasting his time here when she was all alone? She didn’t like being alone, he remembered suddenly, as a wave of sickening anxiety crashed through his mind. Tiredly, he leaned his arm against the door and bent his head into it. “Kureno,” he whispered, “can you just do one thing for me? Go to her, as soon as you can. She doesn’t like being alone. And… just tell her I say hello. That I’m thinking of her. When you get there, please don’t forget to tell her those things for me. I need her to know.”

Mouth hanging open with an emotion that Shigure assumed existed somewhere between confusion and sympathy, Kureno nodded and helped him stand upright again. They gave each other one final look before Kureno dismissed himself with a hushed goodbye and ran down the corridor as quickly as his feet would carry him. For a moment, Shigure stood silently in the dark. Then, with one final stroke of his fingers against the door, he began to stagger down the dark hallway. Perhaps he would be alone tonight, but he felt some strange comfort in knowing she wouldn’t be. That was all that mattered, really. And Kureno… he would tell Akito the things she needed to know. She would know that he loved her, and, someday, she would love him too. He would have her for himself, and would never have to go without her again. It was only a matter of time. It was like he’d told her all those years ago. He would always be there for her when she needed him, waiting to love her. And if he had to, he thought with a pained smile, he would wait for the rest of his life.

**Author's Note:**

> \- i hope y'all enjoyed this... writing it was really a trip  
> \- title from "lover, you should've come over" by jeff buckley  
> \- thank you to my wonderful friend billie @furuuuba for being my beta, you're the best and i absolutely couldn't have done this without you or your support <3  
> \- also thank you to @ratboy-sohma for kindly helping me with some timeline issues! you really saved me haha  
> \- come hang out with me on tumblr @machi-kuragi :))


End file.
